(Gaming support cat.)
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I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that