I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
You Might Also Like
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
hackers play passwordle
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.