(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
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I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.