[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
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Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
some Old Testament wisdom
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder