How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
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“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.