“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
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[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.