why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
You Might Also Like
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: