Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
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My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…