Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
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Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Meowchelangelo
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Breaking news:
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
“A little help here, Danny?”