God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
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People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
bought wrong eggs
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me, flirting😏
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.