The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
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ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
The pasta is now
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer: