it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
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Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*