Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
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Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*