Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
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Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?