[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
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If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going