Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’