Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
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OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.