My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
You Might Also Like
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]