The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
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My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
reduce, reuse, recycle
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.