Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
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Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Damn what did I do next
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.