Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
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job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
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If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.