Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
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I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
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G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.