Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
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security at the airport getting more straightforward
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.