[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us