Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
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-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :