Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
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I unironically love this joke.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Just a friendly reminder!
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?