[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
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Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them