Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
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I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I’ve had worse
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.