DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
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Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening