I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
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Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.