Can we not just call it Zealand now?
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One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
“you recording!?”
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
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Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter