Can we not just call it Zealand now?
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*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
so i’m at the stock market right