Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
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Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.