My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
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#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire