I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
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[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping