when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
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I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
“i am a sweet baby”
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!