[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
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TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.