TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
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CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
She: I like Cats
He:
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA