Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
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passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
#polloftheday
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern