Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
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ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.