Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
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Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”