-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
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Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
There is no “we” in pizza
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is