I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
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The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
kitchen magnet
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life