I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
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If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.