every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
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4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Not even remotely sorry.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!