every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
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My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.