pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
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Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.