Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
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Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”