My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*