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scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Feels
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
A Short Story.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Every BBC series about the universe.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I need this for my side hustle.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh