Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
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Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
his wife is probably gonna see that
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village