Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
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A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
welp
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.