The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
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5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
who did the taste test?
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”