A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
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I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.